BLOGGING THE HIGH LIFE

Below is a very old post that I had stored as I could not face posting it before as I was not well enough Now I am making baby steps in my recovery I feel I should put it out there for my own sake... all backed up by my health care people... who I am sorry to say in some way that I have too many off!! I am sorry if this offends anyone but this blog really is for me...

I woke up this morning and for the first time in a long time I did not feel like crap, that is such an alien concept to me I was stunned for a second, then I went with it and oh did it feel good. I have had a great morning just being. I hope and pray these feelings stay with me. After hating myself for so long and trying to live up to what people want me to be it is odd but good odd.
I have been doing a hell of a lot of thinking, and I have realised that I have made so many stupid mistakes and done so many strange things to make people like me that I don't know who or what I am anymore. I know a lot of this will not make sense to a lot of people but it is not for other people it is for me, I need to acknowledge the things I have done and why, I realised this morning that I have actually made up stories all my life because I had to - I had to lie that my mother was not beaten by my father but fell downstairs, I was not allowed out as I had been bad, truth I had annoyed my father by doing something silly and was being punished, My dad bought me special soap from his work and that was why I smelt!, (I smelt because I lived on my nerves and had a weak bladder now confirmed as me having bladder incontinence due to Spina Bifida Occult) these are the silly but sad things that i have done as a child and to be totally honest this has carried on all my life - i think that i got into the habit of it and never really changed it.. i thought people believed me - but looking back these people were either feeling pity for me or thinking that i was mad. Now I feel I am mad, it has gone on for so long I don't know how to change it. I want so much to be liked and accepted but I now know that the best way to do it is to be me, but who am I? why would anyone want to be my friend when they know what I am about when I don't even know what I am all about. There is so much that I want to put in here but I know I can't just incase people think again with the made up mad stories. Maybe it is because the truth of my past is so bad, every kind of abuse known really by elders that should have protected me but in the end damaged me so much that I cannot function like so called "normal" people. I want to be able to sort through all this mess but I really dont think I could cope with it all, or am i using the past as a sort of blanket that i keep wrapped around me to save having to belive it all really happened and that it is not ok to just accept it. I keep saying to myself that I have forgiven the people that hurt me but how can I have when I will not accept how bad it all was and that it was not normal. I hate having to "feel".. emotions scare me and I try so hard to look as though I am happy and content but the people closest to me know that really I am not.. It has gotten to the stage I cannot get through a day without putting myself through some kind of torture, I am at times so glad that I am so heavily medicated that my brain won't let me feel anything to a certain extent. I am signing off this now as I starting to shut down I will be back hopefully to carry this on and keep being honest - maybe for the first time ever!