BLOGGING THE HIGH LIFE

The first thing I have to do on this blog this evening/morning is to apologise to everyone on my CJ team.. I am sooooo sorry that I have to let you down but ladies I would let you all down more by continuing in something that i cannot put my heart into. You have all been lovely and kind to me and I have been very blessed to share time with you all on screen.. Yes I can hear those of you out there that think they know me so well.. yes I probably should never have entered into the CJ but I felt at that time that I could give it my all... the sad thing is ... yes you were right... I was wrong.. what is new there???... I have left my CJ team and I have also left UKS as I cannot continue punishing/torturing myself everytime I go on that bloody forum, there are so many good things about the forum.. the ladies I have met through it... Linda, Elin, Pauline..Anna and so many more to mention... then there are the things that are just truly awful about it... other people.. the bitchiness and the two-faced - backstabbing that goes on ... sometimes I sit here and I laugh out loud at the people that crawl and actually belittle themselves for their own personal gain...it sickens me and I am sorry but I have had enough of it I really have... it also worries me how many people are taken in by these horrible people............Now don't get me wrong I have left before.. I may return but for moment I cannot see myself wanting to be part of it again for a very long time if at all. I have done so well health and happiness wise over the last wee while but there are some things that just wont go away.. I hate the fact that I can regress to my bad habits and punishing myself both mentally and physically so easily. No matter how hard I try the illness just seems to attack. Mind you the fact that I let certain things/people get to me doesn't help. I have been a bad girl the last few days by going back to old unhealthy habits and I am getting worried about myself which is very unusual. I must get up early tomorrow and phone the doc and that is one thing I really hate having to do. I know though that if I don't do this I am in trouble big time, more so than ever before I think! My poor husband is just at the end of his tether and I never even realised... he really is worried about me but me being me he could not tell me as I have been so tired and crabby, the worst of it is that he is off down south for work for the next 3 days and he is not happy at leaving me the way I am but he must be happy in a way to leave me to get a rest from me. I am totally exhausting as a wife and I feel terrible guilt at that, I do try very hard not to be but sometimes it is just too hard to keep trying, pathetic I know but that is me.. pathetic and I know that better than anyone and I know that there are people out there screaming at the screen "get a grip you freak!" don't worry folks I say that to myself nearly every morning in life sometimes it works, most days it doesn't. The strange thing about today is that I had to be up early and dressed and all ready very early (for me) and get to the airport to pick up my lovely,beautiful and very very talented little lady Lucy.... I have been manic today that she was coming and manic throughout the day - so much so that everyone around me sees me as being happy and upbeat.. little did they know all I wanted to do today since I took breath this morning was to lay down in a dark dark corner and just give in.... how bloody selfish am I!!!! One of the best things about today is that Lucy is just the breath of fresh air that I need to make me keep going this week, she is just so full of life and promise as to what the future holds and she is soooo fired up today about things I won't talk about on here at the moment.. let's just say to all those papercrafters out there... she is a name to watch in the future... this beautiful little Lady is just going to blow you all away and I am bursting with pride that she is connected to me.. not just in a family sense but almost in a spiritual sense... So Lady Lucy I Love you and I will treasure you always.. THANK YOU FOR BEING!!!


The last thing I am going to do on this blog tonight is to tell you all that I will not apologise for my darker posts ... I have had some downright nasty and godawful comments that I have deleted from this blog.... I will not stop posting my feelings on MY BLOG...if you don't like it ... don't come back... this is MY LIFE AND MY BLOG... from now on those of you that want to leave those nasty and horrible comments... I will post them and I will let people out there see how nasty you really are...

Goodnight and Godbless
Huge Hugs to those that need and deserve them
Heather
xxxx